Transcript:
[Pamela]
0:10: Dear Attorney Lenore I’ve been married eight years, six of those years my spouse has been 3,000 miles away working a job that she loves and I hate. We rarely see one another I keep asking her to find employment back in our home state. She keeps saying she doesn’t want to I really don’t think she wants to be married to me. What would you say about divorce mediation or getting our own lawyers. Sincerely, Lonely in Seattle.
[Lenore]
0:41: This is so many of the cases. I mean it it’s not just money, it’s not just property, it’s heartache You know people will hold on to the dream they had when they got married.
0:58: I don’t know if this person or this couple have had any counseling.
1:06: Certainly I think counseling is a good way to open up the communication. Perhaps, he doesn’t know what she really wants or needs in her life to be happy and he doesn’t express to her what he wants needs to be happy.
1:22: And you know for some people long-distance relationships are great. that’s what keeps the spark alive!
1:31: Obviously he’s lonely and he doesn’t say whether or not he can move. I mean, maybe he could move too.
1:41: I guess they both have to decide what’s more important to them, the marriage or their career?
1:48: Certainly, it sounds like to me they haven’t had the big conversation yet of… “Hey, this is just not working for me…”
1:59: ” …and if we don’t change things…”
2:01: “then I don’t know that I want to stay with you.” You know I think you have to have that conversation first, in some arena.
2:12: Hopefully in a peaceful way or with a therapist and then you know go from there.
2:21: If both parties say, “Yeah, you know, this just isn’t working anymore.” “Let’s go on our separate ways.”
2:28: That’s a good starting point to discuss mediation.
2:33: A lot of people don’t even know mediation as a possibility, because they hear divorce and they just think… “Oh got to get a lawyer!”
2:41: Which is not true. Mediation is always a possibility. More people are finding out about it, but not everybody knows about it. so… I would say, you have to have some serious conversations with your spouse.
2:59: Find out exactly where the two of you stand, if there’s any way that the two of you can come to a compromise, and if not, definitely look into mediation first!
3:09: It’s certainly worth looking into first even if it’s not going to be the best path at some point I would say mediation first.
[Pamela]
3:22: And it’s possible that she doesn’t want this relationship either. I mean she’s 3,000 miles away and been uncomfortable with it.
3:31: Would it be worthwhile if he called and talked to you without her on the phone to find out if mediation is a way to go.
3:43: Would you talk to him individually and if so like what would you say to him?
3:47: What you said just now or would you say something different to him?
[Lenore]
3:50: Probably would say the same thing and yes, people call.
3:53: Usually it’s one party that reaches out and tells me what the situation is and then…
4:05: I will explain what mediation is in general, which is, I serve as a neutral facilitator to help the two parties gather the information that they need to make decisions about how they’re going to divide their marital estate, and if there’s children, what the possibilities for a parenting plan would be. And I don’t tell them what to do.
4:28: I just facilitate the conversations and help them come up with a mutually agreed upon contract as to how to do that, and then help them process their divorce.
4:42: So that’s what I would say in general and say if you think you and your spouse would be interested, I’m happy to set up a consultation where I can get more information about your situation, give you what different mediation options are possible for the two of you, and we would go from there.
5:02: So, Here I Am, the Romantic at heart,
5:08: I think to myself, if you were going to come to her saying… “Oh I called the mediator.” It may wake her up or it may make her think… “Well there’s no saving our marriage, you’ve already decided it’s over because you’re calling a mediator.”
5:31: But I’m always happy to talk to people about mediation and give them some information.
5:38: Give them what my read of the situation might be in terms of how to proceed emotionally .
5:46: Just in general based on my experience, but that would be what I would say to him exactly what I said to you.
