Stressing over the Holidays – Holiday Custody Schedules in PA – Divorce Done Differently

Key Takeaways:

• If a court-ordered or mutually agreed-upon custody schedule exists, it dictates the holiday custody schedules in PA.
• If no formal agreement is in place, or if the children are older, they should be given a voice in the decision, especially if they are uncomfortable with a parent’s plan. Forcing children to choose between parents creates immense emotional strain. Attorney Lenore emphasizes that viewing the other parent as an adversary—or preventing them from being in the same room—ultimately hurts the children and sets a precedent for future milestones like graduations and weddings.
• Parents are warned that current conflicts can dictate the future quality of family relationships, potentially leading to missed milestones or limited time with future grandchildren.
• To avoid such rigid, harmful cycles, Attorney Lenore advocates for mediation. Mediating helps build a foundation of trust and healthy co-parenting, allowing parents to move forward in a way that prioritizes the children’s well-being over personal animosity.

Video Title: Stressing over the Holidays – DAL

Video topic/focus: The video focuses on how holiday planning for divorced parents can be detrimental if not handled correctly.

Video Description:

Have you ever had tons of practical questions (for yourself or someone you love) about the complex landscape of divorce, but thought they were too simple to ask?

Have you ever wanted to sit down and talk to a divorce professional who could break down the law in its simplest terms and make it clear, so that you could decide what’s best for you and your family?

Listen in as Attorney Lenore reads real questions from couples on the topic of mediation vs litigation. Learn for yourself as she answers questions with compassion (unlike many attorneys), competence, and skill.

Heartwarming Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Super friendly – Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Video thumbnail

Transcript: 

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(PAMELA) Dear Attorney Lenore,

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my soon-to-be ex and I are separated.

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The holidays are coming.

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My children want to share the holidays with both my husband and me.

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However, he is taking them on a skiing trip at a large resort

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and told them I am not
allowed to join them.

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He says, he doesn’t think it’s “The “best” idea”.

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The kids are very upset
about his dogmatic position.

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I’m sad and angry that he gets to decide what he thinks

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is best for our children during the holidays.

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Sincerely, feeling left out.

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(LENORE) Well, generally….

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if you have a custody schedule that you’ve agreed to,

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or that has been put in place by the court,

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you’ve decided who gets what holiday and for what portion of time.

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Okay?

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So, they may be within
their rights to do that.

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Now, if….

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if you don’t have that agreement,

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or the children are older,

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and you’ve kind of left it up in the air,

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I think the kids should kind of weigh in on that.

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And if the kids don’t feel comfortable with that,

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then I think that they should be given a voice.

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I think what’s sad about that is,

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and I say this a lot of times

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in my job that I work for,

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the courts, trying to help people settle custody cases,

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is after your kids are 18,

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the courts can’t tell you what to do.

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You’re on your own!.

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So, what are you going to do when it comes up to

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a marriage,

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and college,

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or birth of a child,

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or engagement,

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or graduations?

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What do you want that to look like?

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Do you really still want your children to feel like they’re

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caught in the middle

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and they have to make a choice?

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I mean, that’s an awful thing to do to your kid!

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To make them feel they have to make a choice

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between two of the most important people in their life.

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That person is….

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that’s saying, you know,

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“They don’t think it’s a good idea”.

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You’re asking your kids
to constantly

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straddle a chasm

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and do the shuttle diplomacy between the two of you.

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And it’s not fair to your kids to do that.

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Your kids should feel

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that they can be with both of you.

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And I know that
doesn’t always happen.

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But, you’re not only are you short changing your kids,

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you’re short changing yourself.

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Because what’s good for the goose, is good for the gander.

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then that means…….

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some point, there’s going to be a holiday

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or a big event

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and you’re not going to be included.

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(PAMELA) mmm.

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(PAMELA) Right

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(LENORE) So, what do you want?

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You really have to think long and hard.

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What do you want the rest of your life
to look like

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with your kids?

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Do you want it to be that,

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you only get to see your grandkids
half the time!

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Because the two of you can’t stay in the same room?

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Because that’s what
you’re setting yourself up for.

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And…..

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it’s a shame

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because you got together,

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you saw this was a

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person that you wanted to have children with.

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This is a person you thought was going to be a good
parent.

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And what kind of a message are you giving your children?

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That half of their DNA is defective,

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because you don’t want to be in the same room with them.

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How’s that going to sit with your child the
rest of their life?

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Are you really setting your child up to be successful?

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Or are you just asking
them to carry

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your emotional baggage with them

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the rest of their life?

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It really is very unfair!

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And so, I think for something like that

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that is really a shame

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because your kids are either going
to

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have to give up a big ski trip

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or not spend the holiday

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with a parent that they love.

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That parent is really being selfish, in my mind.

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And to avoid those kind of things going
forward,

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mediation.

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If you had mediated things,

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if you had started laying the foundation

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for trust

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and going forward in a different way,

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separate but still….

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being co-parents in a healthy way,

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you probably would not be in that situation.